I just wanted to share with you something that I have been questioned about a lot via Formspring and in private emails. I am often asked what advice I would give to young, aspiring dancers, striving for a career in ballet, or how I remain confident and composed during classes and performances. Well the truth is I am none of the above, as I am also only a young, aspiring dancer looking for advice and guidance myself and I don’t want to mislead any readers that believe I have all the confidence in the world to strive forward in this profession.
This week, the Bolshoi Ballet Academy invited a guest teacher from the Joffrey Ballet Company to take a modern dance master class. I absolutely love modern dance, and for me, it should have been a day filled with enjoyment and an opportunity to show my thirst for modern dance and to absorb everything that was thrown at me. However, I opted instead to let my lack of self confidence get the better of me; whenever I am put into a situation that involves dancing in front of others, of whom I know are of greater ability, I freeze inside, be it in a class situation or on stage. I can’t tell you why, I just know that all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and keep everyone from noticing me. I got myself so worked up about sharing a room with the Russians, and dancing alongside them, that my stomach knotted up and I was in so much agony that I couldn’t dance because of it. My own negative mentality and self inflicted stomach pain meant that I had to miss out on an opportunity that doesn’t come around the corner everyday; it’s really difficult to express to you in words, how angry I was at myself.
What makes it worse, is that deep down, I know that people aren’t there to judge me and that we would all have been in the same boat. Since I was small, I have always had a fear of failing. At school I would never put up my hand to answer a question unless I was certain I would be giving the correct answer, at my old dance school I wouldn’t demonstrate an exercise or movement unless I knew I had it as close to 100% mastered as possible and for my GCSE’s I had it drilled into my head that anything lower than an A grade was a fail. Unfortunately I have never been able to shake this mentality off, and although it may have been beneficial for me during school days in order to push myself harder, to ensure I achieved good grades in class, I have come to find that while in Moscow, it is actually hindering me more than helping me.
Missing the master class gave me the time to sit and reflect on why I am here. I am here to learn. Nobody expects me to be perfect or already moulded into a dancer prepared to perform a solo in Swan Lake, and in fact, having the guts to put myself out there without the fear of making mistakes is the best way to improve; for it is common knowledge that the greater lessons are learned by reflecting on mistakes previously made.
Now, I am not going to lie to you and say that I had an epiphany that has now miraculously altered my way of thinking! But, I can assure you that it has opened my eyes to how seriously my lack of confidence is holding me back and that I know that it is something that I have to focus on, as well as improving my dance technique. There is no point in studying here, making my dancing technique stage-worthy and then not having the confidence to step onto the stage or into an audition room!
So for all those young, aspiring dancers out there who are reading this blog, I hope that I can help you by sharing my experiences and the lessons I have learned during my time here at the Academy. I will also continue to try and answer all of your questions on Formspring, but please remember I do not have all the answers, only opinions and suggestions and if anyone has any advice for me, I will gladly open my arms to it!
Lastly, as I know this down-hearted blog must have been a drag to read in places! Please, for all those in the UK, wear your poppies proudly this week while remembering the men and women who fought on our behalves.
A small quote which is quite appropriate considering you are all reading a blog!
‘If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can read this in ENGLISH, thank a solider’ – Remembrance Day 11/11/11
It is so strange not seeing poppies everywhere or being able to wear one of my own. Have a lovely week, and I will blog again next week with more uplifting anecdotes for you all!
Natalie Carter's Blog 